A Letter to an Expectant Father

18 April 2020

(38 weeks exactly)

Dear Let,

You ready yet? Today could be the day as I have reached my 38th week of gestation, the day my OB says I can safely deliver Galen via a caesarian section. I have been experiencing irregular contractions in the past two weeks. Galen has been keeping us in suspense, but for good reason. He wants to be as ready as he could be before meeting his excited family. Let’s see if he could wait one more day to meet our schedule.

As I am wheeled into the operating room on Monday, please stay calm and fervently pray for a safe delivery and a healthy baby boy. I derive my strength and courage fully knowing that you’ll just be right outside the OR praying for me and Galen. I have been able to put off my anxieties in all the nine plus months because of your steady love and support. If there is one thing good that has come out of this COVID-imposed lockdown, it is having you by my side 24/7 in the last weeks of my pregnancy. 

You’ve been nothing but the perfect, supportive husband and expectant father. I appreciate that you would always indulge my requests for a back massage. You would also not complain when I would ask you to prepare me a glass of milk well into the night.

We never planned to have a third child. In fact, we were already coping well by ourselves without a helper, thinking we could keep our life simpler with just the four of us. What a shock it was finding out I was pregnant. You said it took a long time before the thought of me pregnant could sink in. “But how?,” you asked.😀

Galen shook our established routines. I was forced to stay home for almost half of the pregnancy. And you were forced to actively search for house-help again. Then came the lockdown, and you were placed into a position you never thought would fall upon you. For the first time, you had to do grocery shopping and take over managing the household. You’re no longer just a provider but you’ve become a caregiver and a household manager as well. I have been for the most part just in bed, practically useless, all thanks to you! It seems like you have paid extra for all the times you missed my prenatal appointments when I was pregnant with Garrett and Gabee. Now, I have that privilege of wailing in pain should labor come early and be brought to the hospital in a car. I took a jeepney to the hospital the night I felt uterine contractions with Garrett and an FX the day that I felt Gabee was pushing her way out. You were traveling at both instances and had to drive home when I was already in labor. Well, Galen is lucky to have you just waiting, with your own hospital bag packed and ready. That gives me such a relief despite the situation we are in due to the threat of COVID. 

With God’s constant grace, we will come through this safe and more blessed, with Galen giving us hope that all will be well. Galen is our silver lining amid COVID-19. We can only hope that the world would be somehow better, its people more mindful, caring and kinder when we go past this pandemic.  Keep the faith and stay safe.

Love, 

Cess

Checkin' Back In

Hello, it's been quite a while. Hope you missed me. I did miss you that's why I'm breaking my long silence. Lost track of when I last blogged. I had checked and my last “decent” post was over two months ago. I have been silent while my mind has been abuzz. I couldn’t put my thoughts down, as I was afraid of the conclusions I would make if I did. Writing is a way of clearing my mind, going to the core of what’s been bothering me. Writing has to be heartfelt for it to be good; it exposes one’s soul so to speak. It behooves the writer to be true unless that writer is writing fiction or novels. But blogging is different. It’s personal, it’s mostly about one’s life, preferences, passions, advocacies, opinions, wishes, angsts, battles, all reflective of the blogger’s state of mind or, in general, the blogger’s present circumstances which are in large part the source of motivation to write or blog.

The fascination over having someone like you, even if there are just ten of you out there, reading me, empathizing or disagreeing with me, or maybe even bashing me, keeps me coming back. Times when I feel I need a little bit of attention or validation, and some introspection, I take to writing again. The thing with being out of radar for some time is that I start again fumbling, grappling, as I find my way to hitting the subject of this post. Please bear with me.

The last summer was one of the best I've had. I enjoyed it immensely with my children. It was my first summer when I was with them all the time except for a one-week vacation they had with my in-laws and a five-day summer camp that my eldest attended. We went on two outings with my side of the family, three with my in-laws, and one with just me, hubs and our two kids. The last one was with both sides, and I think it’s what the kids would remember the most, the trip to Enchanted Kingdom. But for me, I liked the Baguio trip the most although it was already June and raining when we went, it was like my first time again to experience its fog, veggies, strawberries, flowers, ube, markets. I was pregnant with my eldest, who’s now turning 12, when I visited Baguio before this last trip. Despite all the developments and the negative things said about it, including how its air quality is even poorer than Manila’s, Baguio has retained its charm for me. I look forward to visiting again and exploring it more.

I have amassed photos to keep from the last summer alone. I’m planning to make photo-books of each trip so my family could in a way relive the fun and drum up excitement for future vacations. For many years, a decade now, come to think of it, we’ve stopped printing photos, and just kept them in external drives and the desktop. This, to my little dismay, prevents me from retrieving very old photos and making throwback-Thursday (TBT) and flashback-Friday posts on fb or IG. Seriously! Well, yes, those who have been (tirelessly) following me on fb know that with all the fb albums I have, I can just extract old photos from there. True, true. But, the point is, I believe it’s important to also have photos printed and kept in boxes, or printed straight onto photo-books. Now, I know why I see plastic photo albums always on sale in bookstores. I have an empty one that I bought years ago but never got to use, and may never will.

Looking back again to my summer of 2014, I feel so blessed and happy being able to take my two children wherever. They are spaced six years apart, my eldest, as I’ve mentioned, is turning 12 this year, and my youngest just turned 6 recently. We would take off any time, and I only needed to pack their clothes and slippers. We would sit in restaurants and I could enjoy my meal as they enjoyed theirs. It has always been at the back of my mind, an option until now, to have another child. But, at my age, and at this juncture, it’s best for everyone that we remain a foursome family. I am not saying this in definitive terms, of course, as who knows what might tomorrow bring, right?

Ok, what was I afraid of again? I’m not saying. I have skipped it, thankfully. I will spill though when I have become comfortable sharing it. I’m just happy now for putting an end to my hiatus. I hope I get inspired again to share things happening with me and around me. Writing is fun. I derive great pleasure from it. You should try it. To end, let me share that my son bought yet another notebook and has been madly scribbling his thoughts wherever (I hope not during his classes). Happy thoughts and happy vibes to you and yours. J

Sharing some treasured photos:

BAGUIO

THUNDERBIRD RESORTS RIZAL

HOLIDAY INN

LA LUZ RESORT, LAIYA, SAN JUAN, BATANGAS

ENCHANTED KINGDOM

Finding and Keeping Love

So telling, love and adoration, sans make-up and with puffy eyes.

I’ve just flipped my desk calendar from April to May. Seriously, the first week of May is lost already, forever. Wow! Each day just seems to slip by. Maybe because I feel I always want for the day to end, for sunset to come quickly, to go past the peak of summer heat from 10am to 3pm. The middle section of the house feels like it’s roasting during those hours.

How’s your summer so far? Good for you who are at work during the day. Summer’s weekdays are just like any workday in the year because you still need that shawl or coat owing to the cooler settings of your office ‘aircon.’ Thanks to SM for its presence even in provinces, their supermalls offer many a respite. Malling is to many, without work or on school break, an escape from the heat. I have a thing for SM, sorry, guys, I know I have mentioned it in several posts, not by sheer intention. I just kind of run into it as I write, like now.

Incidentally, I found myself staring at a Kultura boutique in Pico de Loro, Nasugbu, Batangas last Sunday. I asked a hotel staff if the prices were the same as in SM department stores. Yes, I was told. I learned that SM is the owner of Pico de Loro. A few years back, I was asked at Taal Vista Hotel in Tagaytay if I had an SM advantage card. Enough said about SM.

So what have I to share? I lost that writing streak during the last two weeks of April. Here’s May now, and this is my first attempt to write again. I have actually quite a few in mind. There’s as I’ve mentioned the trip to Nasugbu. That was actually to celebrate my 13^th I-Do anniversary with the hubs and kids. And then I was thinking of sharing how we are trying so hard to train the kids to consistently say po and opo. Today, I had Garrett help me clean the windows and all the curves and crannies of the window grills. It’s a great way to spend the last weeks of summer, teaching the children some new chores, after they’ve already been treated to trips to the beach or any vacation away from home. Garrett also washed his shoes, for the first time! Embarrassing, I know, for an 11 year-old to be taught just now. I’d say let’s not dwell on that.

The most cheesy and controversial posts normally get the more number of hits or visits. On that note, I will proceed to let you in on some thoughts I had the days around my wedding anniversary. My present musings are inspired by an article in the Huffington Post I had read yesterday. It went by the title The Surprising Truth About What Makes Happy Couples Happy. Catchy enough? It caught me, for one. But reading it just validates what I know already. Aha! Yup, the hubs and I appear to be a happy couple. Not to brag or anything. The core secret to our being blessed with ‘seeming’ marital bliss is #5 in the article, let me quote that in full below:

5. Know how to repair. No relationship will be free of difficulty or conflict. 

And no matter how well-meaning we are as partners, 

none of us will be a candidate for sainthood. 

Given that, it's essential that we learn to repair.

While there's no one-size-fits-all approach, repair begins with 

one person moving toward the other with an intention to heal. 

Effective couples are able to both apologize and forgive 

and to own up to the part they played in the difficulty.

We’ve had our fights. Luckily, not big ones. But there were a few times, the crazy in me would figure in arguments. Usually, just via texts, I would drop the ultimate “dare.” “Let’s just separate,” I had said that not once I think. But lucky me, I have a very sensible husband who doesn’t make patol. He keeps quiet, leaves my texts unanswered most of the time, which drives me crazier that I would send further texts of dramatic proportions. And he ignores me, comes home, doesn’t talk, and keeps to himself. His silence calms me, makes me think rational again, and in the end, I would be the one to approach and make him feel I was sorry. I have a big ego, I don’t easily say sorry. And he knows that, has accepted my egotistic self as his wife. So, we carry on, and we're now on our way to our 14th anniversary. It's not a sure, smooth-sailing journey. Like any other couple's, it's bumpy, scary at times, but we are happier, stronger, and more confident together than apart. 

On the road – beautiful road, I must say, to Nasugbu, taking the Cavitex and the new Ternate, Cavite – Nasugbu route, and passing under the Kaybiang Tunnel – I recounted how my husband would drive all the way from Cagayan Valley, all of 14-16 hours, to Los Baños just to see me every month for five years before we got married. I told him that that must have been love, because if it wasn’t love, I didn’t know what was. Haha, of course, that’s cliché! But it’s true. And Ethan Hawke in Before Midnight reminded me of that beautiful line. Go see that movie! It’s very relatable.

So to my married friends, here’s my two cents’ worth, if you don’t mind my meddling. Unless your spouse is in a relationship or fling with someone else, he/she is hurting you physically or verbally, or he/she is being lazy providing for you and the family, take heart. You’re blessed to have a long-time partner. Breathe, forgive, heal, and love. 

A Boy's Unspoken Wish: Granted

The big shoe and bag sale at the Mega Trade Hall lured Garrett, my sister Jen and myself last Saturday. I'd say shopping for the Holidays has been staved off a bit. There wasn't a big crowd when we went. Well, judging from the ease by which we looked around for the items we wanted and how well we were attended by sales crew, it didn't yet quite feel like it was just a month to Christmas. It comforts me in a way surmising that Filipinos have the right reasons to cut back on their usual Christmas shopping madness. 

We went there with two pairs of shoes in mind - canvass shoes for Garrett and rubber shoes for my mother. Garrett is now in his pre-teen years, and gives more attention to shoes over clothes. He has simple tastes. I knew he had been for many months now eyeing easy slip-on canvass shoes. But like the good, simple child that he is, he doesn't really ask for stuff (save for books, that is). It's me who feels that we have been depriving him way too much. He had to wear out his previous pair of Puma shoes for more than two years until they had to be retired due to outgrown size. His dad made him wait several months before buying him a replacement at a super sale price, bought from a factory outlet. His sandals, which he needs to wear with his ethnic attire at school every Wednesday, are already small, with his toes and heels peering out at both ends. But he's not complaining. 

And so, the shoe sale over at SM Megamall last Saturday was a chance for me to make my little man happy. We arrived past 2pm. The crowd was thin. There was quite a number of participating brands including several that I have only encountered for the first time. Garrett had something in mind but he is as picky as his dad. After over an hour checking out all the brands, he went back to the first one he initially wanted, and tried three different styles, and then finally settled on a pair of faded black canvass shoes, which were exactly what I liked, too. There was Garrett, giddy with joy, and couldn't hide that he was overly happy with his purchase. He didn't bother to remove them anymore. He proudly wore them right there and then, almost skipping as he walked. His outgrown sandals went home in the box instead. Seeing him that way, crazy happy, made me really happy as well. It was worth every hard-earned peso (of his dad).  :-)  

Bookworm and Quirky - Different in Amazing Ways

Last Saturday was a day sans our “kulilit” (Gabee) because she had school to make up for class suspensions. It was Garrett’s schedule with his developmental-behavioral pediatrician whose clinic is a two-hour drive from our place. Garrett had us all to himself from the afternoon until the next morning. While I got almost teary-eyed while placing our orders at a nice restaurant we went to for dinner without Gabee, it felt okay just to have Garrett that night. It was quiet, and Garrett enjoyed our undivided attention. I resolved that Gabee would have her chance, too, to have me and her dad just to herself. I feel it’s a good arrangement to take out each of them separately on a few occasions. At their ages, they still tend to outdo, outtalk, and outsmart each other.

We have been open that Garrett has ADHD which explains his talkativeness. Being labeled with ADHD does not make him any less. He is a bright and charming boy with or without it. In fact, I think it is his nature to be compulsive about acquiring all kinds of information. He is a bookworm in the full sense of the word: a person unusually devoted to reading and study; a bookworm who prefers reading to just about any other activity (Merriam-Webster). He craves to read. And his interests run a spectrum, from fairy tales, G. Stilton, H. Potter, planets, business, medicine, cookery, to everything else, even showbusiness! He’s bound to read whatever he gets his hands on. The quirkiness manifests itself in his impulsivity to talk, to share what he has read. He blabbers, unmindful sometimes if he is being listened to. He goes on and on. But, he is improving, having better control, and taking cues from his audience.

We were all delighted when he started “really” talking when he turned three. He impressed the principal at the interview for admission into first grade with his questions about cockroaches. He unknowingly turned the tables and ended up asking the principal “did-you-know” questions. The principal sensed a problem in terms of his focus and keeping to the direction of the conversation, but acquiesced that the school’s strong science program would suit this inquisitive boy.

That inquisitive six-year-old boy will turn 11 this month. In those five years, I am certain he has read more than what I have read in my full 38 years. No kidding. He reads everyday. He reads while he buttons his shirt. And then he dreams about what he has read. He smiles, laughs by himself as he conjures up images of Roald Dahl’s funny characters in his mind. He must have scoured the library collection at his school already. Since first grade, that has been his haven, the place where fetchers and teachers would find him.

My little boy is fast becoming a man. It scares me, yes. I hope the scientific in him would douche the fantasies running in his head. May his interest in Bloomberg Businessweek rub some good business sense into him, and his love for Mabuhay magazine get him to places I can only dream of going to.

I believe my boy can be whatever he chooses to become. I try and encourage him to know his purpose, to have a goal, for, I tell him, if he doesn’t have one, every little thing he does would always feel like a task, like getting out of bed in the morning. I am not sure whether I should be prodding him early on. He is a kind and smart boy, and he has it in him to reach his dreams and help others.

My Hands Smell Like Garlic

Here I am, guilty of being on fb (again through the course of the day), using the laptop this time, in a semi-office setting, complete with a table and an office chair. I’m also browsing other sites I find myself on almost everyday – Rappler, Blogger (reading blogs I follow; happy to have recently stumbled upon Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop), Instagram, ADB mail (just checking), among others. While browsing, I lean on the table with my elbow, cupping my chin with my palm, and I smell g-a-r-l-i-c. I’ve just cooked dinner.

It’s a late discovery for me – this love for cooking. I didn’t know I could really cook (almost) everyday. The rewards are immediate and fulfilling, making up for the lack of "formal" work (housework by a mom is informal :-)) and pay. Relatedly, I used to kind of dread doing the grocery, having to go through all the aisles of the supermarket to replenish pantry and fridge supplies every other week, and I just hated my infrequent trips to wet markets. 

I feel different now, like I’m really kind of morphing into a full-pledged homemaker. But not the stereotype of old. I would like to associate myself with the younger ones in their late 20s and early 30s, whose social life is largely based on social media – mommies who are actively fb’ing, instragram’ing and even blogging and joining online forums. Ooops, this topic needs a separate blog post. (There are security issues being discussed globally on whether parents are screwing the digital identity of their children by posting pictures and other information, and unknowingly creating a mess even before these children reach an age when they can decide what identity/personality to put out publicly. I am concerned, of course. But, again, I’m veering away from the topic of this post.)

Shifting back to my main topic – I have taken a real interest in cookbooks, cook shows, chefs, and food in general. My husband worries that I am starting to really fill out my clothes and stretch (some inner) elastic bands such that bulges appear where they hug so snugly. That’s the downside of good, home-cooked meals. Oh, well! Look who’s talking! He is also getting bigger. Uh-oh!

My birthday is upcoming, and I am cooking! Wow! There’s always a first time! I am going to prepare a dinner consisting of:

- Salad of mixed greens, tomatoes, and fruits with vinaigrette dressing 

- Spaghetti in mushroom sauce – adapted from the recipe on the package of Clara Ole Pasta Sauce (Mushroom).

- Spicy Shrimp and Spaghetti Aglio Olio (Garlic and Oil)

- Mediterranean Fish Tacos

I am also inspired by Eva Longoria of Desperate Housewives via her book, Eva’s Kitchen.

And then there are these other books which I thumb through to get more ideas. 

Cooking per se is not difficult. It is actually thinking of what to cook on a daily basis that poses a challenge, and cooking for picky children make it not only challenging but, at times, stressful and frustrating. The good news is that my son, who unlike most kids, has never really liked spaghetti, is now eating spaghetti with gusto! He cried when I told him, around the time before I had temporarily stopped working, that we would be dining out less. He used to like eating out a lot, but now says he prefers to eat at home, and is requesting that I just cook for him on his birthday. True, I am not exaggerating. :-)

The recipes I have tried are mostly of Food Network’s Rachael Ray. I like watching her 30 Minute Meals show, and her recipes really turn out well.

When I cook Filipino dishes, it is also easier for me to just google, which turns up a lot of Pinoy chefs’ blogs. Everything about cooking is just a click away.

I think the real challenge is to get the ingredients. Feta, ricotta and other cheeses, vegetable broth, canned chicken stock are nowhere to be found in the area where I live. And zucchini is P300+ a kilo! Yup, prices are also limiting to a large extent. But moms are creative with budgets. I try to offset, like I wake up in the middle of the night to wake up my daughter and lead her to the bathroom. This way we save almost P500 on diaper. Oh, things just round up in the end, everything is connected.

But what makes my son like my cooking more? It’s because of that one ingredient – love. Love means more attention to details and the process, from buying ingredients to plating. It makes all the difference!

Intertwined by Fate

Before leaving for work, Let (my husband) asked me what date it is today. And like in the past years since 2001 (the year we got married), I fell into the trap. I paused to think and told him the date, not realizing why he asked in the first place. “Friday was August 9 so that makes today August 12,” I unwittingly replied. He nodded his head and winked. It hit me as before, it’s August 12! It was the most important date for us until 2001.

It was on the night of August 12 in 1996 at the soccer field in UP Los Banos that we confirmed our feelings for each other. Our lives have since been intertwined. We went steady for five years before we settled to start a family. Most of the time we were apart as he was working in Cagayan Valley. And so August 12 was a big day for us during those five years, as he would (if he could) drive 14 hours to Laguna just to celebrate our anniversary on the date itself. And if he could not, he would, without fail, arrange with a friend to buy and deliver me flowers.

Our common friends would happily attest to how crazy I was over Let. Now, I kind of wonder why. Really, it was like I was living out the song "Got to Believe in Magic." Let was not a looker. He looked generally okay, fair-skinned. Oh, but he was slim then! There was something about him – an aura that was ironically humble (playing the underdog) yet hinting of bravado and confidence. And I was an easy prey to his distinct kind of charm.

It has been 17 long years now. We bicker, argue, exchange hurting words sometimes. But our love is deeply rooted to how we began. No one forced us to be together. No one, but fate, I guess. It all came so naturally for us. There was not even a courtship to speak about. We met, we fell in love, and we remain.

How could I have forgotten? August is truly special! :-)