Mulling on white space amidst greens

White space. How do I start filling it? What does inspire me to write, here, right now? Let’s see.

I hear children’s noise. It’s 3:47 pm. I am inside the car, parked outside Garrett’s school. With the car windows rolled down, I hear as well birds and crickets in chorus, and feel the soft breeze on my face. The school is on top of a hill, situated in a nice (posh) subdivision in Antipolo. Big, old trees line the roads. I see green everywhere. I think I have found my spot, a perfect spot to mull things over and write.

It’s easy to write about Garrett. Well, because he’s special in many ways. I had a conference with his class adviser last week. His teacher remarked that Garrett is the type of student that makes a solid impression on the teacher, the kind that when she’s old, she’d still be able to recall and say, “Yeah, that’s Garrett. He was my student.”

Oh, well, this again is becoming about Garrett. I have been meaning to write about Gabee, my daughter. True that it was because of Garrett that I decided finally to give up work. On hindsight, it had been already a year or so since my husband and I started discussing about the scenario where I’d take a few years off from work while the kids are growing. The option that we shift to the traditional family set-up scared me. I was scared (rightly so) to give up a career which affords me leverage in almost everything. I was earning and had all kinds of insurance. I could raise my kids in the event that the marriage falls apart. Ego. I think I had a bloated one. ☺

But the decision to quit came swiftly when we learned that Garrett has ADHD, and has to be put on medication. I acquiesced that I had to give up the work that I was holding on to more for my own sake. It was not as difficult as I had anticipated quitting would be. I think it’s because it was made for the right reasons. Family comes first.

Below is Garrett's photo taken recently. He is growing fast. Moving forward into puberty, I intend to be by his side, all ears for him, looking upon him up close and from afar as he needs me.

Bye for now

I feel good!! Thanks to my bosses and beautiful and thoughtful colleagues for the "royal" send-off. 

Today, the conformist in me deviates from the general sentiment. I feel grateful and favored. I get to go on a year's break from work to focus on my family. I can come back and resume all my employment benefits, but I can also opt to terminate my engagement if circumstances would call for that. What better time to take stock, rethink, adjust, reconfigure my life than at this juncture. Just inched one job level up, and I am only 2 years shy of my debut into middle life. My ten-yr-old son and five-yr-old daughter would greatly benefit from my constant presence and guidance. 

I have been privileged and fortunate to be with ADB for the last 7.5 years. I guess at this point I can't ask for more! 

To quit or not

I did it! But why did they have to make me rethink my decision?

I got the sign, finally! A valid reason to justify my wanting to quit.

It was a decision made at church. I felt it had His blessing. Big sign. And curiously, unlike before, I felt no fear. I actually felt free and excited to try being a full time homemaker. I was actually looking forward to when I would just be a wife, mom, cook, tutor, driver, cleaner, gardener, etc. I would be jobless but busier! But it would be nice to be busy without missing school programs, worrying if the fever has gone down, just nodding when spoken to to get them to finish talking and being a killjoy, unable to match their jest. They see the funny side easily. I wish I could, too..

It's gonna be a drastic change if I do quit. It'll need more serious thought. But if I were to follow my heart, I would do it. It would have been easier if I were as young as my sister who has done it twice already. No consultations. We just saw it on fb one day! And after she gets restless, she'd go back to the rat race as some would call it. And she'd get absorbed again. How brave and lucky she is!

I don't hate my work. I actually like what I do, where I work. It's just this line again!! Got nothing to do, hence this haphazardly written post..

Farewell, UPLB

Note: Reposted from my friendster blog, originally posted in Dec., 2005

This is really “it.” I’ve turned in my resignation yesterday. And this morning, I got a surprise call on my cell phone from the University Chancellor himself asking me about it. Well, he just happens to be the new Chancellor, I guess. Just several months back, prior to his appointment, I gave his name as a reference in my failed application at CIP (it’s not important that I spell that out). And he wrote a very nice recommendation letter for me. He even gave me a copy when he saw me one time at his office. I was flattered. And although I did not get the post I applied for, it was a consolation that people like him saw me in the way that he did. Sad that I’ll be leaving the university I’ve been with the last eight and a half years now that he’s just assumed office. Well, it’s already sad that I’m leaving to start with, but to leave at this particular time makes it a tad more saddening.

I am going around the campus now to have my clearance sheet signed by various offices. My resignation will take effect 31 December. Not that I’m too eager to be out of this place; I just want all things prepared ahead of time to avoid any last-minute fuss.

University of the Philippines Los Baños (UPLB). My home. I first saw light here in 1975. I was brought to Manila when I was four years old, came back in 1990, went away again for a year. Then, started my college here in 1992. Got my first job here. Had a chance to leave and work in Manila but preferred to come back. Fell in love and eventually got married here. Had our wedding at the National Arts Centre in Mt. Makiling. Gave birth to my son at the Los Banos Doctors Hospital. Essentially then, I have spent half of my life here.

Now, a new job is going to take me to Manila once more. For the meantime, we will keep our apartment here. Whereas, now I could jump out of bed as late as 7:30 in the morning and still be in office at 8:15, come January I’d have to wake up no later than 5:00 a.m. and be out of the house at 5:30 a.m. I might probably get home at 8 p.m. if I leave Manila at 5:30 p.m. These are among a number of trade-offs I’d have to live with for an entry-level local staff position in a multi-lateral organization in Ortigas.

I’m all excited. Yes, the pay, plus the benefits, is one big factor for my leaving UPLB for another organization. Change in work environment is another. The opportunity for career advancement may be another, although I prefer to take things one at a time for now.

UPLB remains in my heart as an ideal place to settle in. Opportunities are just too limited for the many professionals who have chosen to reside here. Professional competition is tough. In fact, a Ph.D. degree in this scientific community has already become ordinary. A faculty cannot be given tenure unless he’s obtained his doctorate degree. I guess, my place is just not here, profession-wise, mainly because I am not a faculty member. I’m no research scientist either. And getting a Ph.D. is the last thing on my mind right now after completing my master’s just last April.

So to UPLB, many thanks… For the quality education and professional training. For the nice and many intellectually challenging people. For the gifts of nature that have calmed my soul on many occasions. For the feeling of safety I could not feel anywhere else. For that sense of familiarity with everything here. My heart is yours. My life has been shaped by momentous events that you have been witness to. You shall be my resting place when my time comes… I’ll be back to stay forever…

Graduating with a master's degree in development communication from UPLB.

With fellow development communication graduates.

Winner in God's Amazing Grace

Acromegaly is a rare medical condition. I’m one case in 3-4 of a million cases happening per year. Yep, that rare! Maybe because in most cases the disease is left undiagnosed until it manifests major complicating conditions, like diabetes and cardiovascular problems, which are then treated as the primary ailments.

Wikipedia better explains this rare disease:

Most pituitary tumors arise spontaneously and are not genetically inherited. Many pituitary tumors arise from a genetic alteration in a single pituitary cell which leads to increased cell division and tumor formation. This genetic change, or mutation, is not present at birth, but is acquired during life. The mutation occurs in a gene that regulates the transmission of chemical signals within pituitary cells; it permanently switches on the signal that tells the cell to divide and secrete growth hormones. The events within the cell that cause disordered pituitary cell growth and growth hormone oversecretion currently are the subject of intensive research.

I faced it head-on 1 Feb 2007 when I went in for surgery in Manila. The tumor that showed in my first MRI scans measured around 7mm. This was reduced post operation to a subtle 3mm. Between that time and last 16th of Sep, that subtle residual tumor had been insidiously affecting my life on the whole. I know I was not yet cured. I know the battle had not ended. And I know that there was still something that could be done. Something within my reach. Something that just needed me to will it to happen.

And on 16 Sep 2009, with one of the best neurosurgeons in Singapore, something amazing happened. I went under the knife (again) with a faith enough to ride any tide. It was an extraordinary day. For one, it was my 34th birthday. It was the 2nd time I was taking my chances of battling it out with an unheard of disease amongst my circles of family and friends. A post on Facebook before midnight immediately drew attention to my status, and all through the next day, messages poured in. The prayers whispered to God by family, relatives and friends from all around were truly amazing. Not only did they make me feel loved, they made me come out of the surgery cured. Yes, I have the gut feel, and the faith that I have defeated acromegaly finally. I have a whole life, maybe another 34 years, may be even more to look forward to. I can now happily picture myself in Gabee’s 18th birthday, Garrett’s college graduation, in both their weddings, and in many happy family occasions yet to happen.