Choosing Happiness

Today was one of those days when I think I could fill a page writing about how it went from good to bad to good to bad to good. I left the house at 530am, logged in at work at 640ish, not bad for the state of traffic along Ortigas extension, I tell you. I spent around 6 minutes to put on my favorite Happy Skin foundation, nude lippie and mascara; gathered my hair into a pony tail, and by 730, I had started the day and was having my second cup of coffee while responding to emails from last night  Great start.

Lunch of three-fourths cup rice, pork sisig, pakbet, and maja blanca started me off on a good afternoon. I was back at my desk by 1230, finished a draft input over a 30-minute unused lunch break. An hour later, I got an email saying that there was no need for that draft. Ok, fine. I quickly moved on. On a busy day, it's normal to get busier by the hour until you hardly notice it's 5pm because the A/C has been shut off, then it's 6pm and past cob (close of business). I pulled myself away from my PC to call Garrett before he surrenders his phone for the 7-930pm study period for dormers. 

I asked my usual question. "How are you?" I was worried his sore throat had gotten worse, I asked again rephrasing my first question, "How are you feeling?" Garrett replied, "Hi, Mom! I feel great!" Then he went on to report about today's activities and scores he got in quizzes. He said he got 30/35 in an English quiz. We ended the call after 7 minutes with many reminders like not forgetting to brush his teeth, to which he would always just say, "Yes, Mom, I do." Or "Yes, Mom, I will." It's a good measure of comfort to me talking to him and being told he is not only okay, he's feeling great! Love that. He says it's hard to study at PSHS, yet he feels great! Eh 'di wow! Hihi!

So that call wrapped up my day at work on a happy mood. I knew the line at the fx terminal was getting longer by the minute. But I felt good. In fact, I didn't have to take a paracetamol today for migraine. 😊

Until I got on the fx, a Mitsubishi Adventure. By the order of the line, I hopped on in the middle seat, flanked by two big men. B1, on my left, was easily twice my weight. And B2, on my right, had to close the door lifting his weight from the seat such that when the door closed, he had to squeeze himself in the little space left between me and the door. I had my arms straight out in front of me and my body was leaning to the right into the void that B2 could not fill. B2 had pointy hip bones, I wanted to advance instead to avoid contact, but I was squeezed, I didn't dare move an inch. B1 seemed so A-ok, I'd credit him for not making unnecessary movements. I liked B1 better though he was bigger. B2, aside from his pointy hips, was sweaty, smelling like his shirt was not properly dried. Not only that, he had earphones on and was singing lyrics from his phone screen. Agh. 

Thank heavens, he got off midway to the end of my ride! I was happy again. 

I got home to this girl. And I thought and felt ashamed of the nerve I had to complain. I am too blessed to be stressed. The daily grind is my choice anyway. Just saying because this blog has been so quiet for so long... 

Happy mid-week. Weekend is upcoming. My favorite day is Friday because it's my weekly reunion with my son. 😊

Torn

I’m torn.  I swing from yes to no, on a weekly, and of late, on a daily basis even. Yesterday, I had convinced myself that it was okay to resume my full-time job. Today, after I accompanied my daughter for a test that would decide if she was ready to be accelerated to second grade, I swung back to no, I am going to remain as a stay-at-home-mom, an SAHM, as they call moms that stay at home full time to care for their children.

Some moms work from home, and they call themselves work-at-home moms or WAHMs in short. I have the highest respects for all moms. To me, those who take on full-time jobs are the more courageous ones. They are the those who are able to let go, trusting that their children can thrive without them needing to be by their side all the time. It’s a tough call for a mom to work because her family needs her to, leaving no other option. There would always be some guilt that she is not spending enough time with her children, missing milestones or school programs, and that she’s relegating too many mommy responsibilities to other persons. Time is important, and it’s difficult to do quality time with your children when you have a job that requires you to put in at least eight hours a day, Monday to Friday. The commute to and from work is a daily battle for most. Add to that pressure from bosses, and you have one mom dealing most likely with what they call as “hurried woman syndrome,” juggling many tasks – homeworks, school projects, bullies at school, a husband, the helpers, and while at it, she tries so hard to keep calm, run the household as expected, and make her bosses happy. I was one hurried woman. Frantic, panicky, in doubt I was doing things right. It’s hard. There was always that heavy, nagging feeling that I was devoting myself more to my work rather than those for whom I was supposedly earning for. But, yeah, it boils down to time management and priorities. There are those who can manage to have a work-life balance. I super admire them.

I have a close friend who sacrifices sleep, getting an average of four to five hours only, but she is very successful raising two children while keeping a very taxing corporate job. Hands down, she is a doting mom, a good daughter, a loving wife, sister, friend, and all the other hats she wears. That girl is simply on fire, driven, committed. She has her priorities in check, never missing out on important school activities and being there when her children are sick. I tell her how she is such a superwoman, and she tells me that she doesn’t know how she does it. She just keeps going. But whenever I asked her if she was ready to give everything up in case her husband could fully support them, her answer was a straight yes, she would. That’s my friend. But, hey, no, she is not just my friend, she is one of my very best friends. I wish she would get to read this. J

Time flies, really. I need to make up my mind. I want to go back to work because I feel I need to. I feel quitting before I am 40 is way too early. There’s still a lot to experience, people to meet, places to see, and, of course, earnings of my own labor to forgo. It’s not only about money, it’s being able to reach that point when I could easily say, this is it, I’ve had enough, I can happily retire, and look back with no regrets.

When I think about it, one thing also that makes me want to work again is that I would like for my daughter to remember that her mom used to work, was passionate about work, and earned her own money. Call me a stereotype but I grew up seeing my mother go to office everyday, fully made up, wearing nice office clothes. I don’t want my daughter to finish school and then just marry some guy and decide she wants to have children and be a full-time mom. No offense to anyone. It’s just my personal take. My mother-in-law never had a formal work, but she was able to raise well-mannered and accomplished children. She sews, gardens, cooks, and has really grown into her role so gracefully. I love her dearly, because she reminds me to be kind and gentle and patient.

I still have some time to decide. Help me, will you? Give me a yes or a no. Please click on comments and let me know your thoughts. Thanks! :-) 

A new chapter

I'm back into the folds of life as it is for many. The reality that I am out of job, after almost 18 years of uninterrupted employ, sank in while I was on a bus on a work day at 2pm. I was on my way home, after getting my exit (leave) clearance sheet signed.

My past routine consisted of 6am-ish commute to office, 8-12 hours office work, commute back home between 5 and 7pm, and most weekends spent at home to de-stress. I loved Fridays and did not look forward to Mondays. This routine was my reality for 7.5 years. I have learned much from the experience of working in a multinational organization. I met and worked with people from different cultures, and made a number of friends and a few close ones with whom I intend to keep in touch. My take-aways, to name a few, are resilience to strive to be better in your job; the perspective that all kinds of work (no matter how menial and routine they seem) contribute to a mission; knowing my worth and what I am capable of; and the friendships I have gained. In addition, juggling tasks and knowing one’s way through the maze were essential skills to thrive.

My current reality is a complete breakaway from the previous one, but one that I am settling into, surprisingly, quite well. I have shifted to a new career where the pay is pure love. Colleagues at work gifted me with a framed photo of myself with my kids. At the bottom of the photo appears this quote by Vermont: "Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs...since the payment is pure love."

I now have the luxury of time when both my children are at school. I want to write to keep myself (or rather my brain) occupied somehow. Before, I would say that it was hard to develop a hobby as what time I had left I just wanted to use (or rather not use) to stare blankly into space, to relax my mind and body. Now, there’s a regular window of time and space when and where I could be productive on my own terms, do what I want, read and write some.

Writing would mean keeping a journal of milestones and personal musings about anything and everything that interest me. And what motivates me to write is that I could share my thoughts through this blog. I might not ever fall into the category of professional bloggers because my posts revolve around my little world, self-centered by nature. But this channel has always given me some motivation and sense of satisfaction to put my thoughts into writing and share a piece of me to the world, to reach out somehow.

I would attempt to have this blog evolve from one that is so Cess-centered to one that is more topic-oriented. There’s only my limited experience to call upon as I dare put out some personal reviews and recommendations about stuff. To start, I would like to contribute to the online pool of personal experiences/stories of families raising children with ADHD. I have not done so yet as I need to first dive into tons of information available, and get a handle on the subject.

You may have noticed that there are tabs at the top of this blog, but if you go into them, you will find that there’s nothing there yet. I will try and build their contents in the days and months ahead.

For the meantime, I am happily trying my hands at cooking and gardening, aside from taking care of my family. In the process, I surprise even myself.

As I slowly immerse in this new chapter of my life, I vow to put in half an hour of workout each day, as this SAHM (stay-at-home mom) chapter also affords me a lot of time to think “food.”

I am having the time of my life! I hope my happiness rubs off on everyone around me.

To quit or not

I did it! But why did they have to make me rethink my decision?

I got the sign, finally! A valid reason to justify my wanting to quit.

It was a decision made at church. I felt it had His blessing. Big sign. And curiously, unlike before, I felt no fear. I actually felt free and excited to try being a full time homemaker. I was actually looking forward to when I would just be a wife, mom, cook, tutor, driver, cleaner, gardener, etc. I would be jobless but busier! But it would be nice to be busy without missing school programs, worrying if the fever has gone down, just nodding when spoken to to get them to finish talking and being a killjoy, unable to match their jest. They see the funny side easily. I wish I could, too..

It's gonna be a drastic change if I do quit. It'll need more serious thought. But if I were to follow my heart, I would do it. It would have been easier if I were as young as my sister who has done it twice already. No consultations. We just saw it on fb one day! And after she gets restless, she'd go back to the rat race as some would call it. And she'd get absorbed again. How brave and lucky she is!

I don't hate my work. I actually like what I do, where I work. It's just this line again!! Got nothing to do, hence this haphazardly written post..