Torn

I’m torn.  I swing from yes to no, on a weekly, and of late, on a daily basis even. Yesterday, I had convinced myself that it was okay to resume my full-time job. Today, after I accompanied my daughter for a test that would decide if she was ready to be accelerated to second grade, I swung back to no, I am going to remain as a stay-at-home-mom, an SAHM, as they call moms that stay at home full time to care for their children.

Some moms work from home, and they call themselves work-at-home moms or WAHMs in short. I have the highest respects for all moms. To me, those who take on full-time jobs are the more courageous ones. They are the those who are able to let go, trusting that their children can thrive without them needing to be by their side all the time. It’s a tough call for a mom to work because her family needs her to, leaving no other option. There would always be some guilt that she is not spending enough time with her children, missing milestones or school programs, and that she’s relegating too many mommy responsibilities to other persons. Time is important, and it’s difficult to do quality time with your children when you have a job that requires you to put in at least eight hours a day, Monday to Friday. The commute to and from work is a daily battle for most. Add to that pressure from bosses, and you have one mom dealing most likely with what they call as “hurried woman syndrome,” juggling many tasks – homeworks, school projects, bullies at school, a husband, the helpers, and while at it, she tries so hard to keep calm, run the household as expected, and make her bosses happy. I was one hurried woman. Frantic, panicky, in doubt I was doing things right. It’s hard. There was always that heavy, nagging feeling that I was devoting myself more to my work rather than those for whom I was supposedly earning for. But, yeah, it boils down to time management and priorities. There are those who can manage to have a work-life balance. I super admire them.

I have a close friend who sacrifices sleep, getting an average of four to five hours only, but she is very successful raising two children while keeping a very taxing corporate job. Hands down, she is a doting mom, a good daughter, a loving wife, sister, friend, and all the other hats she wears. That girl is simply on fire, driven, committed. She has her priorities in check, never missing out on important school activities and being there when her children are sick. I tell her how she is such a superwoman, and she tells me that she doesn’t know how she does it. She just keeps going. But whenever I asked her if she was ready to give everything up in case her husband could fully support them, her answer was a straight yes, she would. That’s my friend. But, hey, no, she is not just my friend, she is one of my very best friends. I wish she would get to read this. J

Time flies, really. I need to make up my mind. I want to go back to work because I feel I need to. I feel quitting before I am 40 is way too early. There’s still a lot to experience, people to meet, places to see, and, of course, earnings of my own labor to forgo. It’s not only about money, it’s being able to reach that point when I could easily say, this is it, I’ve had enough, I can happily retire, and look back with no regrets.

When I think about it, one thing also that makes me want to work again is that I would like for my daughter to remember that her mom used to work, was passionate about work, and earned her own money. Call me a stereotype but I grew up seeing my mother go to office everyday, fully made up, wearing nice office clothes. I don’t want my daughter to finish school and then just marry some guy and decide she wants to have children and be a full-time mom. No offense to anyone. It’s just my personal take. My mother-in-law never had a formal work, but she was able to raise well-mannered and accomplished children. She sews, gardens, cooks, and has really grown into her role so gracefully. I love her dearly, because she reminds me to be kind and gentle and patient.

I still have some time to decide. Help me, will you? Give me a yes or a no. Please click on comments and let me know your thoughts. Thanks! :-) 

Back to Teenage Clothes at My Age!

The first thing I did when I stopped working was to declutter my half of the closet (I share with my husband who complains that my stuff spills over the partition). I took out the clothes I could only wear to work – slacks and skirts, long-sleeved polo shirts (think preppy-conservative), non-cotton blouses, etc. I only kept some “semi-casual” (interchangeably called “semi-formal” here) pieces that I could wear to church, and tops that could be worn with jeans and shorts.

As for bags, since I don’t have many, I have kept them all, but seldom get to use all. The five decent pieces I have are in black, cream, and red, so it ‘s not like I pair my bags with the colors of my outfits. It’s a hassle to pour out contents of a bag and organize them again into another. The one that serves me best is a red Longchamp Le Piliage tote bag.

It’s a different story with my shoes. I had to bring home at least 10 pairs of old and fairly new shoes which I kept in the office. I used to keep them in the bottom layer of a lateral cabinet at the workstation I was posted. The leather ones stayed best there because of the controlled office temperature. Now, my problem is that there is no way I can integrate high heels into my current routine. I also don’t have occasions I can wear them to. So it’s quite a pity that they’re slowly disintegrating in the shoe cabinet.

                         

So what’s my daily get-up like? It’s easy to just get too comfy in ratty shirts and shorts as I go about the routine of a stay-at-home mom. Well, I am not literally in the house all day, I go out everyday at least four times to bring my two kids to school, and fetch them. Aside from my kids’ schools – where I get seen by other parents, teachers, and my kids’ classmates – I also go to the bank, grocery, SSS, and PhilHealth. So there’s still some reason to dress well because I am not in Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness (Humanities 1 reading back in college :-)). I can’t just get out looking unkempt and, pardon the word, “losyang.”

True, it is so easy to put on weight when food and coffee are just a few feet away all the time. Cooking as a chore does not burn calories. You cook delicious meals, lay them out on the table, eat your portion, and then eat some more when your kids have leftovers. Cooking adds to the weight check burden. Rants, rants… I know I have absolutely no right to complain. So I’m gonna take that back and say that cooking is the chore I like doing best. I’m lucky I don’t have to clean up after. Simple joys of having a “kasambahay” must be taken to heart. I could not imagine doing everything by myself, I’d be sick!

Let me go back to my question: what’s a typical wear for me these days? Below is my kind of get-up. Tee-hee!

My husband does not approve of such a combination of apparels for a 38-year-old wife and mother. But in the same way that I defy his order to dress my age, not wear colors like pink, as I have shared in a previous post, “Age Check,” I am unfazed by his criticisms. I am happy wearing shorts with bling-bling, a belt, a shirt, and flats in the same color as the belt. Stubborn wife! He loves me just the same anyway because he simply has no choice, or does he? J

A new chapter

I'm back into the folds of life as it is for many. The reality that I am out of job, after almost 18 years of uninterrupted employ, sank in while I was on a bus on a work day at 2pm. I was on my way home, after getting my exit (leave) clearance sheet signed.

My past routine consisted of 6am-ish commute to office, 8-12 hours office work, commute back home between 5 and 7pm, and most weekends spent at home to de-stress. I loved Fridays and did not look forward to Mondays. This routine was my reality for 7.5 years. I have learned much from the experience of working in a multinational organization. I met and worked with people from different cultures, and made a number of friends and a few close ones with whom I intend to keep in touch. My take-aways, to name a few, are resilience to strive to be better in your job; the perspective that all kinds of work (no matter how menial and routine they seem) contribute to a mission; knowing my worth and what I am capable of; and the friendships I have gained. In addition, juggling tasks and knowing one’s way through the maze were essential skills to thrive.

My current reality is a complete breakaway from the previous one, but one that I am settling into, surprisingly, quite well. I have shifted to a new career where the pay is pure love. Colleagues at work gifted me with a framed photo of myself with my kids. At the bottom of the photo appears this quote by Vermont: "Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs...since the payment is pure love."

I now have the luxury of time when both my children are at school. I want to write to keep myself (or rather my brain) occupied somehow. Before, I would say that it was hard to develop a hobby as what time I had left I just wanted to use (or rather not use) to stare blankly into space, to relax my mind and body. Now, there’s a regular window of time and space when and where I could be productive on my own terms, do what I want, read and write some.

Writing would mean keeping a journal of milestones and personal musings about anything and everything that interest me. And what motivates me to write is that I could share my thoughts through this blog. I might not ever fall into the category of professional bloggers because my posts revolve around my little world, self-centered by nature. But this channel has always given me some motivation and sense of satisfaction to put my thoughts into writing and share a piece of me to the world, to reach out somehow.

I would attempt to have this blog evolve from one that is so Cess-centered to one that is more topic-oriented. There’s only my limited experience to call upon as I dare put out some personal reviews and recommendations about stuff. To start, I would like to contribute to the online pool of personal experiences/stories of families raising children with ADHD. I have not done so yet as I need to first dive into tons of information available, and get a handle on the subject.

You may have noticed that there are tabs at the top of this blog, but if you go into them, you will find that there’s nothing there yet. I will try and build their contents in the days and months ahead.

For the meantime, I am happily trying my hands at cooking and gardening, aside from taking care of my family. In the process, I surprise even myself.

As I slowly immerse in this new chapter of my life, I vow to put in half an hour of workout each day, as this SAHM (stay-at-home mom) chapter also affords me a lot of time to think “food.”

I am having the time of my life! I hope my happiness rubs off on everyone around me.