To quit or not

I did it! But why did they have to make me rethink my decision?

I got the sign, finally! A valid reason to justify my wanting to quit.

It was a decision made at church. I felt it had His blessing. Big sign. And curiously, unlike before, I felt no fear. I actually felt free and excited to try being a full time homemaker. I was actually looking forward to when I would just be a wife, mom, cook, tutor, driver, cleaner, gardener, etc. I would be jobless but busier! But it would be nice to be busy without missing school programs, worrying if the fever has gone down, just nodding when spoken to to get them to finish talking and being a killjoy, unable to match their jest. They see the funny side easily. I wish I could, too..

It's gonna be a drastic change if I do quit. It'll need more serious thought. But if I were to follow my heart, I would do it. It would have been easier if I were as young as my sister who has done it twice already. No consultations. We just saw it on fb one day! And after she gets restless, she'd go back to the rat race as some would call it. And she'd get absorbed again. How brave and lucky she is!

I don't hate my work. I actually like what I do, where I work. It's just this line again!! Got nothing to do, hence this haphazardly written post..

Vivid

Some days of many years back still feel like they were just yesterday. Images of myself, my bearings, the clothes I was wearing, what I was doing and the person/s I was with appear to me, in my mind, in graphic detail. But the conversations are harder to recall. For example, I can still clearly recall the details of the first date I had with a guy 19 years ago. I can recall almost all the details down to the music being played on the bus, the food we ordered, the weather, that we bumped into my sister on the jeepney ride going home, and how my sister distanced herself from us so we would not feel awkward holding hands as we walked..

Or that eventful night when I had too much to drink so I could tell this guy how I felt..one starry night when we talked for hours, and agreed in our hearts that that moment felt right and we were headed for it, forever.

How beautiful it is to dwell in moments from the past, when present times would have you peer closely in the mirror, noticing strands of grey hair, lines around your eyes, that were not there seemingly just yesterday.

It is just this long queue I've been on for almost an hour now.. I had to entertain myself and dwell in the past..

Blogging

Hello blogspot! It’s been years since I last signed in, and I'm so pleased and inspired with the new "stats" feature that now comes for free. Writing is not as fun as when you know that somebody out there, maybe in Europe or in some other continent, has chanced upon your blog and actually liked the stuff you have put out. Regardless of how readers are affected, if at all, or if they get something from your writings, raves, and rants, it is still humbling that somebody has taken the time to look at them. As one doctor-psychologist told me recently, every person is guilty of the KSP syndrome (kulang sa pansin - or wanting in attention).

My blogs are just an outlet of my thoughts and feelings. Not the professional sort that gets a lot of traffic. But, "acromegalic princess" (see link on the right) got quite a lot of hits from many places via different search engines and referrals. That’s what I’ve just discovered yesterday, which is the reason why I am now writing, wanting to somehow update my two blogs. I joined blogspot in 2007 when I needed a support group to understand the condition (acromegaly) I was diagnosed with. I found great support from the group of acromegaly bloggers who actively share experiences about the shock of getting diagnosed with this rare disease, compare symptoms, and discuss treatments. I had two surgeries and have been in remission since my last surgery in 2009. As there has not been much to share since, I haven’t been posting updates.

So after being silent for years, I am struggling to get something out that would be of interest. Recently, I have helped my 10-year-old son, Garrett, to start his own blog. Initially, I helped him post several of his writings, one was a poem he did as part of his English class requirements, and the others were essays or lists he did on his own time and inclination. Ever since he has learned to read (at kindergarten), he has been reading a lot. I don’t know how he has become such a voracious reader. It has come to the point when we would punish him for some misbehaviours by not allowing him to read. And reading got him into writing. He would ask for notebooks and pens as gifts. I kind of knew he had a knack for writing because as early as when he was in Grade 2, his English compositions were written quite well. I would proudly show his English notebook to his aunts, and they would be impressed.

Some friends, seeming doubtful, have asked if it was really Garrett writing the posts on his blog. He’s that good! And I will not deny it out of humility. He really is. I, too, am impressed. He writes from his heart, unreserved, candid and carefree. That’s why his writings are such a joy to read. I am happy when some friends and relatives would say they are Garrett’s fans. Well, I can proudly say I am his biggest fan! http://agarrettlubag.wordpress.com

So there! Easily, this has become about Garrett. I’ve written about him before, and would like to share that again here (see 2005 entry). Many have read it already, but whenever I read it again, I become more thankful, more appreciative, and it helps remind me of my mission – to raise a child, and raise him well.